Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
