I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize