She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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