I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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