Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
