Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
