I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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