I never want to see another naked old woman again.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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