There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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