just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
