Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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