im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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