Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
