Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
