I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
