How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
