Is it normal to miss your booty call?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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