If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
