I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
