i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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