Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
