I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
