You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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