I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
