I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
