best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
