Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have fence marks all over my body
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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