can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
