Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
