i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
