giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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