By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
