His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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