My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
