google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
