i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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