Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
