Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
whose parrot is this?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize