well I can't set my house on fire every night
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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