i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
