life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize