Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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