we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
