so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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