Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
