is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
