My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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