Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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