Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
