Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
