dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
