i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
