We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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