if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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