You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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