I got chris browned last night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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