Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
