WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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