We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize