Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize