oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
